Well, Dam!

One thing that helped me navigate being black in my cult-world, was hearing about this magical place full of people (of like cult-faith) who looked just like me! This became my newest fantasy! While I would be playing the role of "Fairy Godmother" to all of my friend's love story, I would be imagining the day that it would walk into this magical place, and it would finally be my turn. I really could not imagine what it would be like to be invited to everything: hangouts, dates, trips, parties, shopping, nails and eateries- anything but support staff. Being able to have someone play in my hair, without having to explain that the oil I put in my hair was not gross---or "nasty-black-people-juice" was unimaginable!

It took me a few years but, Like Dorothy in the "Wizard of Oz," I was determined to "Follow the Yellow-Brick Road" to this magical destination... All I had to do was leave my comfortable life in Madison, Alabama, move to the Atlanta area, get hired & fired by a complete narcissist and lose my "high-paying"- Christian school teaching job making $15K per year (yeah, you read that right: A whole FIFTEEN-THOUSAND-DOLLARS!!!) ...

Finally, I walked into this magical land...My Oz!

Now, I know how Dorothy felt when she realized the The Great and Wonderful Wizard of Oz was just a little man in a costume with expensive special- effects!!!

This place was not magical at all! It ended up being the black-faced version of the same racist thing that I had just escaped. Everyone wore masks. Eventually, the masks fell off and revealed that the insecurity of this place was high, therefore manipulation and abuse was the normal culture of this ministry. The abuse and manipulation was all wrapped up in generosity, love, concern and over-the-top friendliness ("Alexa, what is LOVE-BOMBING?). It was like being stuck in a circus movie...it starts off happy and fun, and then turns into a horror movie with every clown's face paint melting off, yet they won't stop laughing & smiling!!!

You see, when you are different, and people can't understand or categorize you, many will demonize everything about you! I was so caught up in this fantasy I created, and so desperate to be right with God, that I wore every label given to me. I became an overachiever in ministry to prove to God (and everyone) that I deserved my place in ministry and in the lives of the people that I loved so dearly. So, I did all the ministries, cleanings, conferences, weddings, showers, outreaches, adding extreme standards of morality...I was the girl who never said, NO because I was groomed to believe that is what being surrendered to God looked like!

...that NEVER changed how they viewed me...

I remember one day, I was in the foyer of the church talking, and there was a man (who happened to be single) talking to the pastor. One of the men in the church looked at me and said, "If you want a guy like that, you can't do your hair like you do"....I accepted his opinion as truth. As I stood there, someone else joined him to tell me another reason that good men would never choose a girl like me...I accepted! As I stood there accepting everyone's comments, it was not long before I was in the center of a circle of "believers" expressing to me all the reasons why I am not the type of woman good men would choose... I had already been groomed throughout my life to accept this spiritual abuse as Godly love.

I truly thought, "These people love me so much that they are willing to tell me the truth about myself to make me a better woman." I associated the hurt feelings in my heart, and the tear in the corner of my eye with rebellion against the truth. I worked harder to prove the value of my existence. My world was not as excited about me as I was about them! I was too different...

(deep breath in....now let it out...)

WELL, DAM!

A dam (n.) is "A barrier constructed to hold back water and raise its level, forming a reservoir used to generate electricity or as a water supply. " Intentional dams are a helpful resource. Water and electricity are necessary for the health of an area. Other dams can be built by animals or a collection of trash and debris. These type dams can cause structural damage, while also blocking resources.

Tolerating various forms of abuse caused a dam in my life. This dam messed up the structure of my faith. The dam also caused me to lack in abundance. I was empty. The only way to fix it was to go through the process of deconstruction with God. Little-by-little the explosion of personal accomplishments, love, tragedy, and loss broke down the dams that were prevalent in my life. It was unconventional. He instructed me to walk away from my toxic relationship with church, ministry, religion and everything that I knew about "christianity." It was a scary time of uncertainty while God was pulling out all of the "fear-mongering" sermons, gaslighting counsel, and abusive words and other collections of trash from the many dams lodged in my system. Sometimes the process was explosive and other times it was tedious. It took patience with myself, and from the people that God was sending to me. The process of my healing probably would have been much shorter, if I would have been flexible through this process of being pulled apart. I have not always been ready to be real, authentic and vulnerable. It was the unknown! Through anonymity, stillness, getting COVID, loss, unlearning, re-learning, A LOT of therapy, patience from my very close friends & patience with myself...God deconstructed dams in my life that was causing me to experience hopeless bareness. Just when I thought we were done, God, was like..."Naw, Chile-we got more...I am able to do exceeding and abundantly more than this... (Ephesians 3:17-20)" He continued to intentionally reconstruct dams in the right places to prevent the negative build up from happening again, and spiritual resources to flow in the dry areas of my life (Isaiah 43:19). Through His Word, wisdom, more therapy, study, fasting and praying...God brought me to this new season of flourishing!

The only reason I am opening up about my life experiences is to let people know that healing is a process, but it is possible. God never intended for us to live in heaviness and abuse. It is God's will for all of us to flourish and live in abundance! We must trust the electrifying power of God's love. God's love is big enough for our hopelessness, confusion, anger, resentment and despair! He will deconstruct the dams your life and create channels for us to live a flourishing life. All we need to do is ask him to renew our minds to a place of surrender! The process is raw, sometimes overwhelming, relentless and tedious. It requires patience. It is also the most beautiful times of authenticity that you will experience. The relationship with Jesus that is birth during this time is deep and wonderful! When I was weak, He became my strength (II Cor. 2:9-11). The joy of the Lord has become my only strength (Neh. 8:10). I am still in the unknown, but I am full of anticipation.

I am still unmarried. Honestly, I don't know when (or if) there is lasting romance in my future. I have learned that marriage & dating does not hold the patent on love. My eyes have been opened to the vast love around me. I am no longer single, I am a part of an affirming community of people! The Gospel made a place for me in the greatest and deepest Love that I will ever experience. Through the Gospel, God showed me that love is extravagant, self-less, and inconvenient, and I am worth all of it- because a rugged Cross and an empty tomb! He also, deepened the love that I get to give to others. Therefore, I am going to continue to attend small groups, become intentional about being in a positive community of women who will perfect what God has placed inside of me. I will also, deepen my current relationships. I could give you a list of things that God is downloading into my spirit, but the greatest flourishing fruit that I have in my life is rest, contentment, simplicity and peace...

(to be continued...)

I Corinthians 2:9 "But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”

Isaiah 43:19 "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."