Waiting for the Shoe to Fall...

December 5th marked the first anniversary of my move from Alabama. I'll never forget the day I received the email congratulating me on my new job in the UK. I had just finished my school day and was video chatting with my bestie, Shai. I was complaining about another failed online dating encounter. At this point, I was more entertained than frustrated. As I was lamenting the state of 'these single men' with my bestie, I randomly checked my email. I immediately saw, 'Congratulations!' I went to delete it. I thought it was another Decatur City Schools phishing test. I would pass the test this time- no phishing videos for me! As I was talking and about to 'delete,' I noticed it was a Department of Defense email. I opened it. To my amazement, It was congratulating me on being hired to teach in Lakenheath, UK! I screeched. My bestie is used to my style of conversing. I have ADHD, and she accepts me the way that I am, so my screech and conversation change was nothing new. 'Girl, forget everything I said! I don't care about these men! I'm deleting my online dating account, cuz, B!@t3h, I'm moving to England!' She screamed, too! We both laughed so loud and boisterous that we cried a little. We were both ecstatic! The joy of this unexpected news filled us with excitement and surprise. It was a moment of pure, unadulterated joy that we shared, a memory that will always bring a smile to our faces.

Like everyone else, I grew up with a lot of disappointments. I know how to navigate the world of disappointment. I know what it feels like to get your hopes up only to have everything crash. My therapist called this, 'waiting for the 'shoe' to fall!' Being comfortable with disappointment is a trauma response. Like Mary (the mother of Jesus), I 'pondered this amazing news in my heart!' Even though I had been waiting for this news, I was attacked with fear upon finally getting this good news. The fear of disappointment loomed large. What if I told people, and it fell through? How would I deal with the embarrassment of being let down? Do I have the mental health for the disappointment? What if I get fired, or they decide I'm not good enough? What if I have to come back to Alabama in shame? I was smiling while overwhelmed with anxiety. I had just gotten weight loss surgery and faithfully went to the gym and walking track. With so much necessary paperwork, I paused my health goals to meet all the deadlines. I was proud of getting every essential document and file back to the HR department within the hour! This was my anxiety working for me... I was afraid that if anyone had to wait, they would change their mind about hiring me, and I would be devastated, embarrassed, and brokenhearted...again! I took on the power to sustain what God had brought me. I reached out to a counselor for help. I never thought I would need a therapist to help me navigate my "Yes season!"

Through counseling, meditation, and therapy, I realized where I went wrong:

1. I was disillusioned with the concept of "faith." Faith is to be used throughout all seasons of life.

2. I don't give my community enough credit. No matter what happened, they would have loved me through it.

3. My self-reliance will sabotage my joy.

4. What God begins, He will finish. This is conjoined with the existence of the Holiness of God.

5. In all seasons, there is process and timing.

6. My health routine should have been a non-negotiable. Going to the gym would have helped regulate my serotonin levels.

   
   

So, God rescued me. It was a process. I had no idea what God had planned for my life. During the 21 Days of Prayer (2022), I began praying, "God, give me what I am too ignorant to know exist!" I based this prayer on Ephesians 3:20: "God can do exceedingly, abundantly more than you could ever ask or think..." I had no idea what God would do. This year, I have visited three countries, finished a school year, found a "church home, made friends from around the world, stepped into multiple leadership roles, visited my first West African country, and GOT MARRIED! I never thought that God would overwhelm me with His goodness!

It was when I stepped into marriage that those old habits came back up. I was going to ponder them in my heart. I didn't want to tell anyone. I tried to keep the joy. I was waiting for the "shoe to fall!" What if this fell apart? What if I get embarrassed? Do I have the mental health to deal with the devastation? Then God reminded me of last year. I chose to enjoy the process. My husband and I are depending on God through the VISA process. Meanwhile, we are participating in 21 Days of Prayer. God has blessed him with much favor as he navigates ministry in Nigeria. God is teaching him (one-on-one) how to be a Godly husband. God is working by showing me how to relinquish self-reliance and surrender to God's perfect timing. Anxiety is still there, but it is not controlling my life. I have been empowered to decree and declare Scripture and faith over my doubt. God is using this season to heal both of us from past trauma. God gave us a verse when we were dating: "In just the right time, I, the Lord, will make it happen...(Isaiah 60:22)!" This verse has been a theme for our entire relationship and still stands strong for us today! God will finish what he started in both of us- His holiness is connected to his promises!

It has been a year since I moved to England from my beautiful city of Decatur, Alabama! This has been a flourishing year. I have divorced myself from total self-reliance and surrendered to God! I have realized the importance of allowing love from my community into my journey. I have confidently taken steps of faith, knowing that God is going to finish what he started in my life! I am learning to have faith in both devastation and flourishing seasons! I have no idea what is next. My husband and are I still praying that God would bless us with everything we are too ignorant to know exists! We have joined together to surrender to God! God has so much in store for us! The best is yet to come. I ignore the "shoe falling" scenarios and choose joy! God is will finish the GREAT work he started!

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