The Hand Was There to Hold Me!

So, this is the second part of my last blog...

On Sunday, as you already read, I came home wrecked. I was sad. I felt like it was an episode of depression coming on. It was non of that! I think it was an overflow of worship that began at church. NO! it was not emotions. In fact, I was better than fine. I was determined. The Bishop that spoke over me said nothing about the sickness that I went forward about. He mentioned things that let me know he was overflowing Truth into my life. I was logical, practical and powerful. Basically, He empowered me to go bigger. Do more. Live, and stop just surviving. I accepted this as a Word for my life. I came home ready to take the next step immediately! So I did.

Then I got a gut feeling. I became emotional. The more I read my Bible, listened to music, the stronger it got! I started searching through my life, relationships and every other area of my life. I laid it before God (in prayer/meditation) and waited to see what was going on in my emotions. I asked God to give me clarity. He did!

He revealed to me that I was offended by Him! We took an overview of my life, and realized that I was living my life overcompensating in ministry, worship, and my overall existence to cover up my true feelings about God--He hurt me! I felt that when He let my parents die, it was as if He took His backhand and knocked me off the mountain. The fact that I had never told God this directly showed my lack of trust and knowledge of the magnitude of His true love for me. So, as I cried myself to sleep, I opened myself up before my Creator, telling Him exactly how I felt-

"God, at the end of the day, I am offended by how poorly you have treated my family that no matter what we have gone through, we have remained faithful to you. I am offended, how you allowed me to witness the sudden deaths of BOTH of my parents - 20 years apart. I am offended how you allowed me to love pastors who did not love me back. I am offended how you allowed me to be spiritually, mentally and physically abused by leaders who should be protected me. I am offended how you allowed me to experience poverty while watching my parents sacrifice for the Kingdom. I am offended how my dreams were so basic, yet you never allowed my plans to work--even though I put in the work! I am just offended by every part of you plan, because it was uncomfortable and painful for me!"

...Then I went to sleep with a heavy heart...

....Then I woke up!...

When I woke up. I started a 14 day journey of prayer and contemplation. It was weird, Sunday to Monday felt like an eternity between each other. When I woke up on Monday, I had forgotten about everything that happened on Sunday. I felt like overnight, a surgeon had come down and performed surgery on my spirit. I was lighter. I had the glimmer of joy. I was empowered and ready for prayer. I started off in gratitude. I thanked God that He was changing my perspective....and then HE changed my perspective!

I received clarity regarding my life. He showed me that my the trauma that I experienced was necessary for my anointing. He never left me. He covered me. He protected my mind, heart, and destiny. The most important revelation was that the hand that I accused Him of slapping me off my mountain with, was actually the hand that protected me when I fell. I fell into His loving embrace. I thanked God!

I realized that I was a prisoner of my past trauma. He set me free...SUDDENLY! I repented and God did the rest! Now, I can mover forward. I even have a vision of a giant bag of stuff that was once attached to me with belts and straps is not released from me. Which is just one more thing that ONLY the hand of God can do. One minute I am praying to ask God to release me from the habits of my past. The next minute I declaring that what God has brought me through has made me strong enough to plow through barriers that my trauma created! It is was only done by the loving hand of God!

On my way to work this is the song that came on my radio

(not my genre...but the words are exactly this testimony)

https://youtu.be/upSdnCaeDxk?si=TRNd4BOOpv-O2Md3