I Wish You Knew My Heart

I'll never forget March 9, 2001. It was typical Indiana weather. It felt like the weather was trying to warm up, but the snow was more persistent ant. I was a humid and cold day. Just warm enough for the snow to begin to melt, but just cold enough to keep the water in the ditches cold. My dad and I was traveling to our church's gym to do a 30 minute workout. I honestly thought that he invited me so that I could keep him accountable, but now I know it was for both of our health. It wasd 4:00am. As we drove from Michigan City to Chesterton, a short 10 minute trip, my dad began to prophesy...(of course I didn't know it then)...

"Sharon, I feel that I can tell you this and your hair won't catch on fire..."

"Yes Sir, Daddy"

"Fairhaven's demise is racism. Those pastors struggle with the sin of racism!"

"If they don't repent, racism will destroy them"

"Okay, Dad- So, are we staying here?"

"I don't know, I'm praying and reading my Bible to see what God says. You know,

Sharon, one thing your husband will appreciate about you is that he will be

able to tell you anything and your hair don't catch on fire."

THAT IS THE LAST THING SAID TO ME BEFORE MY LIFE CHANGED...

When I woke up, my dad was not moving. As I looked through the windshield I saw another man was hanging out of the car unmoved. Dilerious, I stomped through frozen ice--- to the middle of the road (when my adrenaline leveled out, I realized that I strained a few ligaments in my ankles). Someone had already seen the drunk driver's crazy driving and called the police. I don't know what happened next, because the EMT was there. No one tended to me. All I could think is, if my pastor could just get here, it will all be better. Immediately, young EMT shoved gloves in my face and asked me to check myself, because things looked bad for my dad. All hands were on deck to revive my dad--He was already with the Lord. They called one of the staff members at my church and a church leader knocked on my family's door and escorted them to the hospital. They strapped my down and took me to the hospital. Once I was in a ER room, a kind a elderly nurse came in and gave me the news- My dad did not make it. My translation- My father transitioned into his Heavenly home. He was with Jesus.

My pastor and the pastoral staff was in St. Thomas US Virgin Isles when this happened. When they got the news, they chartered emergency flights home. I was confused and in shock, but full of hope because my pastor was on his way and he will help us make sense of all of this....

(I want to note that by the time we got our home that morning, Our entire 3 acres was covered with cars from other people from our church, community and members of our family for support and to mourn with us. Our loss was their loss. They were a great encouragement during this time)

AS FOR THE PASTORAL LEADERSHIP----ALL OF THEM BROKE MY HEART-

I NEVER LOOKED A RELATIONSHIPS THE SAME AFTER THIS-UNTIL GOD healed my spirit

He and the rest of his demonic leadership returned back from their trip

(side note: I have yet to understand how a church -$MILLIONS in debt can afford staff meetings on tropical islands....but that is between them and Holy Spirit...)

I was delusional to think that I would get any comfort from a man who hated the rest of my family like he did. Racist people generally like one person of color at a time. Their friend list is not diverse. Generally, the person of color has their same beliefs. My dad was his singing, laughing, entertaining "friend." He had no use for the rest of us. I was so comforted when he met with us...for a quick minute. We did not get hugs, or words of comfort--It was strictly business. Their weirdo son/ assistant pastor had used his time coming from their luxurious "staff retreat" to calculate how much our "free education" cost them---Mind you, my dad was their staff evangelist. Many college students came to the unaccredited Bible college due to my dad's evangelism ministry. So we got nothing different than every other staff kid-- my dad was compensated through tuition. BUT...this man decided this was the perfect time to tell my mom that he knew my dad had life insurance and that the church had given us 70K in free education... My pastor also met with each of us individually and told each of us that God killed my dad because we were rebellious and the weight that held his ministry back.They also planted seeds in each of us that my dad was going to them to vent about how much of a burden we were to him. The leader's exact words were..."I don't know how Darcel could be married to a woman like her. I would have left her a long time ago". This is such a bold statement because this particular leader believed that divorce makes a preacher disqualified from ministry. So, if my dad would have divorced my mom, he would not have been allowed to ever preach again. I could go on on about this season of my life. Everyone I thought would support me through this season didn't every invitation had a twist. My mom was coming home weeping because her closest friends were taking her out to eat to question her salvation, I was being invited to people's homes under the guise of fellowship and fun only to be drilled about my walk with God, I was being fat shamed & weighed in before services, I was being drilled about my use of my money, our closest family friends were spying on us and reporting it to the leadership, the leader would them call my place of work multiple times to tell how horrible a person my mom was, even lied and told me that my mom had just told him she never loved my dad, random men where coming up to me telling me that they were now. my "father figure" and I they needed to know about every decision, people were coming over our house for "fellowship" only to report back to leadership about the cleanliness of our home, the leaders were calling us pagan for not listening to my dad's music and preaching tapes, our actual classmate friends were even programed to spy on us- they would bring movies to our house to watch and then report to the staff about us watching worldly movies. the leaders other weirdo son-in-law would go out of his way to humiliate my brother in front of his peers (who was a senior)-while flirting with one of my older MARRIED cousins who lived on his bus route, My mom paid to have repairs done on our home by the "Christian" contractors in our church...they took advantage of my mom-a new widow. NONE OF THEM finished the job. They all over priced the job! Our house looked worst! When my mom went to the leadership for help, she was told that the men were too busy to finish our house because they were working on the church building project--- NONE OF MY DAD's "friends" protected us or checked on us. Everywhere we looked there was trouble. I don't think I began grieving until I left a few years later... Honestly, I'm still working this season out with God, because God promised in his word to protect the widow and the fatherless, yet during this time, we were vulnerable, abused, bullied, and unprotected- A lot of this happened within days of my dad's death.

AT THE END OF THE DAY ALL I NEEDED WAS SIMPLE COMFORT!

I wish these people could have teleported themselves into my heart and see how much love, devotion, loyalty and trust I had for them- how much I just needed them! I wish they could see how much my heart skipped for joy at the thought of them. I wish they could hear my prayers for them. I wish they could see me how much I yearned and looked forward to every invitation to interact with them. Sin took that gift away from them. They could have grown closer to me and watched God do great things in my life. They chose to be led by satan and his minions, therefore, damage took place where there should have been abundance.

I forgive them. I have no ill will towards them. I pray for them. I don't hate them. I have love (of God) for them. They do not have access to me. I intercede for them that they would surrender to the love of Jesus! I pray for their salvation from darkness to light. I trust the plan of God. This was one of the many costs of my anointing. I have no anger, and I am not triggered by them. God healed me when I surrendered to Him. Everything I have in my heart towards them came from God. I no longer want revenge, I am believing God for revival!

I ask each of you to pray for revival and repentance over these people. Please do not be so presumptuous to think that you could never treat someone as poorly as we were treated--WE CAN! We have both life and death in us. When we chose darkness in the little things, they grow! Choose life! Be a life giver! Surrender to God. Give him your bitterness, anger, confusion, trauma, and tragedy. Let him take you through the process of healing, so you can honestly say what Joseph said to his abusers: " You meant it for evil, God meant it for good!"

Today, I have more than enough in the area of comfort, support, love, and friendship. Many of my friends will weep at the thought of me going through this. I am living in the overflow of love through the beautiful communities that I have been blessed to be a part of. These current people are my forever family! They have my love, friendship and loyalty for live. God put us together, and therefore we are stuck "like white on rice"---FOR LIFE! Only in Christ, can he exchange your devastation for abundance!

Exodus 50:20 (ESV)

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people[a] should be kept alive, as they are today."

HOMEWORK: As you look at this picture, pray over that place. Believe that God is able send supernatural revival, repentance and Holy Ghost purification over that place and make it as beautiful on the inside as it is on the outside. Revival is the point!