Happily Ever After?

I have a weakness for any story that begins with “Once Upon a Time” and ends with “And they lived happily ever after!” As a young girl, I would lay on my stomach on the floor, with my face resting between both of my hands on bent elbows, barely blinking in front of the television, as I would watch the storyline of each fairy tale unfold. I was captivated. In my mind, I was her. The one the prince saved. At the conclusion of every story, I would wipe my eyes as if I didn’t already know that the blonde damsel in distress who just ran away from home, was not going to end up with the tall-dark-handsome and filthy rich prince! After the movie, my sister and I would run to the linen closet, grab a white bath towel or pillow case, tie it to our heads and reenact these storylines. I would spend my nights fantasizing about the day my prince would ride up in his white horse to pick me up, and we would ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. I wanted so badly to be rescued from the dysfunction that was my norm. I grew up in a “Christian,” yet toxic and volatile home. I grew up in a spiritual, mental, emotional and physically abusive home. I sat in a front row seat of my mom’s domestic violence that was enabled through living in a fundamentalist cult. I watched my parents navigate Christianity while being unhealed from past childhood trauma. Therefore, abuse was tolerated.

Even though I never saw happy relationships, my faith was still unwavering: My prince was coming. At times it felt like he may have been stuck in a time warp, turned into an ugly beast, asleep from a poisoned apple, a goose, or a slimy green frog. I stayed looking at every man wondering- “IS HE MY PRINCE?” I was a pro at kissing every frog, checking every sleeping man, talking to ducks, and giving my affection to ugly beasts hoping that my love would wake them up and turn men into a handsome adoring and brave prince–WRONG! I was attracted to who I was- broken and confused. The vibe that I thought I was feeling between me and “them” was just our matching dysfunction and trauma. Heartbreak and tragedy led me to therapy. Therapy led me to realize that I needed to surrender to a power higher than I. I have surrendered myself to therapy and inner healing. Therapy led me to deal with the depression, anxiety and ADHD that bullied me. I procrastinate going to battle for myself because I assumed that I was the princess in my fairytale- So, if I cried enough, my prince would show up and save me. The process of healing was the realization that I had to get up and go to war for me. I was my own KNIGHT in SHINING ARMOR! The Gospel rescued my mindset and empowered me to go to battle for myself. I became brave enough to walk back through the trauma and dysfunction that I endured. It was hard. I cried a lot. It was painful opening up wounds that had healed the wrong way. I went through a season of depression that led me to a 100+ day season of fasting and prayer. Fasting and Prayer led me to complete surrender. Surrender to God showed me a new level of self-love that was from the insides. The Creator of my inner-parts showed me the beauty he created in me, he also showed me how to love myself from the inside out. I became my own best friend. I pursued myself. I learned the things that made me smile, laugh and cry. I fell hopelessly and desperately in love with myself. I learned true personal intimacy from the One who breathed life into my soul. I chose to AGAPE love me. I found myself in the quiet of nature. I found beauty in my community. The more I loved me, the more I found beauty in the people around me. The love I have for me is patient, kind, fearless, soft and truthful. This is a love that I received from THE LOVE–JESUS! I know it sounds hyper-spiritual, but It is my truth!

I thought I was still waiting for my love story to begin, then I realized that it already started…

“Once upon a time there was a beautifully chubby little girl whose skin was the tone of milk chocolate. She was so loving and kind. She was so full of love and kindness that she trusted everyone she met. She was innocent to the evil in her world. One day, she met some very bad people. They were very ugly, jealous and conniving. They called themselves “Self-Hatred.” This group of demons tricked her into believing she had no worth. This trusting and beautiful girl ate the poisonous fruit of believing their lies. She waited and searched for someone to save her. She then began walking in this continual maze, searching for someone to save her. Exhausted, she fell asleep on herself. She thought she was forgotten. One day, the Gospel woke her up with a kiss of love! Immediately, she woke up. Strengthened, she put on the armor created for her, and went to battle for herself. She surrendered. She rescued herself, and defeated the evil witch and her demons! She found love within herself and rode off into the horizon- A Queen!

“And Then She lived Happily Ever After!”